i want a job... sort of...

“I’m never going to be famous. I don’t do anything, not one single thing. I used to bite my nails but I don’t even do that anymore.” Dorothy Parker

Well, that’s one thing I have in common with my hero, the sagacious Ms. Parker. I don’t do anything, not one single thing… and I did used to bite my nails but no longer practice the habit. Oh sure, I used to be a contributing member of society and our household budget but then back in January of this year (your read right, THIS year) I quit my job. I wasn’t laid off, down-sized, or even good old-fashioned fired, I quit! (Exclamation Point!) Not the brightest thing to do in the worst economy since Herbert Hoover was in office. (Look him up, kids, he was our nation’s president way back when.)

I smugly thought I’d be fine, I can go back to substitute teaching, another one of my many “careers”. I put the word careers in quotes because truth-be-told, I’ve had jobs - despite my college degree and amazing SAT scores, I’ve never actually had a “career.” I’ve been (deep breath) a secretary, sales clerk, manicurist, janitor, commodities employee, bank teller, customer service agent, cleaning lady, deli gal, auto parts salesperson, graphic artist, waitress (only one day but it still counts), grocery bagger, interior decorator’s assistant, pet store employee, and several others I’ve repressed in my memory… along with much of my second marriage… Anyway, so going back to substitute teaching sounded like the proverbial no-brainer, right? Sure, except as you may have heard, several of our state’s educators have been laid off and they’re getting first dibs on all the teaching gigs. Which really is fine by me - no really! I mean who in their right mind wants to teach (read: babysit) a bunch of middle-schoolers who think the best way to impress each other is to use the “F” word a half a dozen times before the first bell rings?

Obviously I’m not in my right mind or I’d never have quit my steady job in the first place, but, I digress. After months of scouring craigslist and other job sites, I’ve gotten rather discouraged as there are numerous really crappy jobs for which I’m allegedly not qualified. I mean I’d apply for these jobs, administrative assistant, customer service agent, whatever, read over the qualifications and think, “Yeah, yeah, ‘got that, ‘got that, have done that, can do that 65 wpm…” I’d send these companies my resume outlining just some of my previous employers, (I don’t like to scare them off) along with a pithy, yet carefully worded cover letter. You know what would happen? Nothing. Not a damn thing. And sometimes, like 2 weeks later, I’d see the exact same company with the exact same job posting! I know! Outrageous! I mean, come on, it’s ME! Who wouldn’t want to hire ME!?! I’ve experience doing practically everything except practice law or medicine and… wait a minute! I’m generating no interest with my real resume, so maybe if I author a FAKE resume saying I have been a doctor AND a lawyer, someone will hire me! So I whipped together the following:
MY (fake) RESUME Bonnie (Last name, Address, Phone # and email address not disclosed for fear of psychotics stalking me) ObjectiveTo obtain a satisfying position which best makes use of my varied experience, education, sense of humor and creativity, enabling me to make my boat payment and buy lots of shoes. ExperienceDunder-Mifflin Paper CompanyScranton, PANovember 2003 - PresentOffice Paper Salesperson*-helped implement “Dunder-Mifflin Infinity” website 2007-only person to attend the “Booze Cruise” and remain sober, 2006-voted “Best Costume” at the 2005 Halloween Party (Bride of Frankenstein) Vandallay IndustriesNew York, NYJanuary 1997-October 2003Latex Salesperson,* Architect,* Marine Biologist*-top latex sales person 1997-designed J. Peterman Memorial Building in Manhattan-rescued a beached whale by pulling a golf ball (a Titleist) out of its blowhole Crane, Poole, & SchmidtBoston, MA February 1988-January 1997Attorney*-represented big clients making the firm pot loads of money-dodged repeated advances from Denny Crane-argued brilliantly before judges leaving jurors and opposing council breathless General HospitalPort CharlesJanuary 1984-January 1988Doctor*, Hospital Siren-worked directly under (he wishes!) Chief of Surgery Dr. Alan Quartermaine -solved all sorts of medical mysteries, saving countless lives-strode purposefully down hospital corridors in high heels EducationNortheastern Illinois University, Chicago, IL, December 1983Ph.D. In Medicine* (capital M)Master of Arts-Architecture*Bachelor of Arts-Psychology *lie

And still do you know what happened? Right, nothing. Seriously, can you believe these people? If I was a hiring manager, I’d at least want to talk to the author of such an obvious work of fiction. It’s not like I was trying to pull one over on anyone… I asterisked everything that wasn’t true. Well screw ‘em! I don’t want to work for anyone that doesn’t get me! Which is all very well and good in principle - and if you have a big, fat trust fund, which sadly, I don’t - but that don’t “bring home the bacon” or make the boat payment. My husband is threatening to buy me a case of strawberries and stick my butt out on the corner. He’s kidding… I think…

Not one to be daunted that easily, (plus I really don’t want to sell produce) I keep hunting craigslist looking for my next ex-job. In the meantime, I'm posting to this blog in hopes of being discovered. Well, hell! Maybe I’ll become famous after all and that’ll be two things I share in common with Dorothy Parker.