Not Dirty and Drunk but Hardly Clean and Sober

“I like to have a martini, two at the very most, after three I’m under the table, after four I’m under my host.” Dorothy Parker

I feel ya, sister! I used to drink, you know. I was actually quite good at it. Too good… so good in fact that for the past, let me see… um 18+ years I haven’t had to imbibe at all! There’re still probably bits of vodka and pimentos rolling around in my system somewhere. Do I miss it? Hell yeah! But I like waking up with a clear head. Well, maybe not clear exactly, but I still find it refreshing not seeing my bra peeking out of my purse or finding my car parked at a 45 degree angle in a parallel parking space. Like American Express, membership in the “Don’t Drink Alcohol Anymore Club” also has its privileges.

My decision to quit drinking came quite unexpectedly. I used to sit on the bar stool of the local pub and smugly point out all of the other alcoholics in the saloon, never for a moment realizing three of my fingers were pointing back at me. I distinctly remember telling my friend Kim that since I have a degree in psychology that I’d know by now if I was an alkie. I know! Hilarious, right!? Of course the fact that I regularly had blackouts wouldn’t have been a clue to self-righteous little 28 year old Bonnie. LOL! So, as I was saying, imagine my surprise, nay shock(!) when I literally woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and said, “Yikes! I’m an alcoholic!” Yes, I actually did say “yikes.”

What do I do now? I wondered. Hmmm, I seemed to recall one of my previous bosses was in AA, maybe he’ll have some advice. So, I called him up and our conversation went something like this:

Me: Hi Kevin, this is Bonnie. How are you?

Kevin: Good, Bon, how are you?

Me: Kevin, I think I’m an alcoholic.

Kevin: Well, I always wondered when you’d figure that out.

Me: Seriously, you knew???

Kevin: (laughing) I’ve caught some of your Monday morning stupors, remember?

Me: No, not so much… Anyway, what do I do now? Do I see a priest, call my mother, what?

Kevin: Well, the first thing you should do is find an AA meeting in your area.

Me: AA? Really? Well, maybe this isn’t such a good time to quit drinking, with the holidays coming up and all. Perhaps I should just wait ‘till after the first of the year.

Kevin: (more laughter) No, this is the perfect time of the year to quit.

And so I did. I got my hair done (I do have my priorities, after all) and found an AA meeting that met in the basement of the Catholic grammar school I had attended several years previous. I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess I figured they’d put my name in the church bulletin: “The St. Juliana Thursday Night Alcoholics Anonymous Group welcomes Class of 1975 alum Bonnie Galante!” Despite testing well, I’m not that bright… I didn’t figure that they took the second A in AA all that seriously. Anyway, I raised my hand when they asked if there were any first timers, said the obligatory “Hi, my name is Bonnie and I’m an alcoholic,” (Hi Bonnie!) and stood up and recited the Lord’s Prayer (or “Our Father” as my family always called it) with everyone at the end. Of course the other members of the group were on me like white on rice, inviting me to come back, talking about doing the “90 in 90” (90 meetings in your first 90 days, yeah right…), and flooding me with a deluge of AA platitudes. “Take it one day at a time,” “It’s the easier, softer way,” “Don’t drink and go to meetings!” Don’t drink… well, duh!

I didn’t drink, I went to meetings, and enjoyed buckets of coffee and smoked. Yes, (sigh) that was in the days when you could smoke just about anywhere. We used to go for pie or cake or something after meetings and sit in the coffee shops and smoke up a damn storm. It was wonderful! Anyway, I really joined figuring it would be a kooky little thing I’d do for a while, (you know, like when I became a manicurist) and then move on. I never dreamed I’d really quit drinking. I imagined my friends saying to each other, “Oh, that wacky Bon! What’s she into now? AA? That crazy kid!” And for all I know that’s exactly what they did say. I don’t know because just months after quitting AA, I left my husband and he got custody of all our friends… along with that beautiful French cookware I’m sure he never used. Bitter? Sure, a little.

So, I’ve stayed alcohol free ever since. I don’t go to meetings anymore. If there are any fellow “Friends of Bill W” out there I know what you’re doing. You’re shaking your heads sadly saying, “You’re on a slippery slope, kiddo.” Well, I’ve been on this slippery slope since about 1994ish when I went to my last meeting. I met my second husband at one of those meetings but that’s a subject for a different article, or perhaps a horror movie… or maybe a comedy, I haven’t decided yet. Anyway, ‘last I heard he was in prison… I’m just disappointed it’s not a Turkish prison. Bitter? Sure, a little.

Whatever, but now I’m thinking of quitting smoking. It’s scaring the (insert expletive here) out of me as I’ll be positively saintly if I don’t smoke either! I mean here I am, a former drinking, drugging, party-girl-of-dubious-morals who no longer drinks, drugs, runs around or smokes. I told my husband I may have to start boosting cars just to feel like there’s still a bit of the bad girl we all know (some of you in the Biblical sense) and love left in me. Not that grand theft auto was one of my previous vices but I’m clutching at straws here. What could I do that, while not illegal or bad for me, will make me feel as though I haven’t entirely smothered the little scamp Bonnie? Think, girl, think! Wear white after Labor Day? Too tame - besides my mother might come back from the grave and haunt me. Get a tattoo? ‘Done that 5 times. Pierce something? ‘Done that 5 times, too. Star in a reality show? Yuk! I’d rather eat boogers. Yeah, I got nothin’… wait a minute… something’s coming… A-Ha! ‘Got it! I’ll write this blog! Knowing that I’m making all of you the (unwilling?) recipients of my acerbic wit will just have to be enough to sustain me. What’s the matter? Are you bitter? Sure, a little… but just be glad I have found something else… otherwise I might be waking up with your car parked at a 45 degree angle in front of my house.